Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Everything's Coming Up Boobies...

I've said it before and I'll say it again... everything looks like boobies after a mastectomy! The linzer tarts, the frosted ceiling lights, wall-mounted fire hydrants (the kind built for two hoses)... Sometimes I'm not even conscious of the fact I've just thought "see? boobies" out loud.

Exhibit A: The dogs' Kongs. Just fill with peanut butter and enjoy! Hey, if I were a poodle, I'd love them too. It was just a bit jolting to have this vision greet me first thing in the morning...two angry, painful nipples. At least we give the dogs creamy peanut butter.

Exhibit B: Laguna agate at the Jewelbox. Now these aren't necessarily boobs I would want. As a matter of fact, they kinda remind me of what I got rid of in 1986. Voluntarily. These are the DDD's of a mature woman. You can tell by the rings... like a tree trunk.

Exhibit C:  Australian Opal. This is like seeing boobs in a cloud formation. Opals photograph oddly in that opals are 3-D, but when I look at this opal, I see a mermaid... hiding in her magical sea...but you only see her mid-section. Some people see Bart Simpson's eyes... which come to think of it, look like boobs!

Exhibit D:  Don't even ask...

Exhibit D:  It's a hard knocker life.

Wow, I really need to find something more re-constructive to do with my time.  
Maybe a gallery show. Or a wall calendar.
It is so when other people send me photos for the collection.
Awareness - It works! Time to update the collection:

Exhibit E: Contributed from Mike: Thanks! Must be nippy in Southern California!

Exhibit F: I became quite the Picasso on the treadmill training for the Avon Walk.

Exhibit G: October Cover Photo Reminder through iPhone apps. These don't leak.

Exhibit H:  Remnants of a Chardonnay. My empty wine glass. Pushing it? I love living in the Finger Lakes! 

Exhibit G: Champagne Diamond Nipples. I'll take 'em!

There are still a few hummus appetizers, decorative lamp fixtures and NYC silhouetted water tanks in my files. Will post when I find. Maybe a photo exhibit at the coffee shop?

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Do You Smell That?

My friend Abby has no sense of smell.

I can think of a hundred reasons to be jealous...#98 being the horrifying realization that farmers spray liquid cow manure on their fields... in the steamy summer... and we live in corn country.

But I've known Abby for over 25 years, and I still forget that she can't smell coffee brewing, or coconut suntan oil, or the lone scared skunk in the woods a mile away. So whenever we visit, whether it's me road-tripping to the city, or her hitching a ride to Ithaca, I try to envision (or ensmell) a life without olfactory influence, and am astounded at how much I take my nose for granted. I am constantly putting my smelly foot in my mouth with "doesn't that smell good?" or the KFM classic "christ, did a cow die in here?", but Abby doesn't mind my gross negligence in underscoring her double-edged sword of a handicap. She just calmly reminds me that she does not have a sense of smell. And I love her for that. I can fart (or "frot" as we Winstons call it) all I want to if I wanted to, but shouldn't forget that she isn't deaf for God's sake... come on, guys... she's single! Isn't that a perfect quality to be looking for in a woman???

And you can have foot odor from hell!

Abby is one if the original reasons I "hyperspaced" my way into Ithaca, as she earned her writing degree at Ithaca College in the 80's... but our friendship originally began at, of all places, a Weight Watchers Camp - Camp Colang in 1985.

Our bond was sealed when we realized we had actually dated (which in summer camp terms means "we made out with him in the woods a few times") the same guy (a camp owner's son) during the summer of '84, when we became bunkmates in the infamous Collegiate House - a fabulous place where you can be a camper at 21.

There is whole chapter about the camp/food/diet experience in Abby's bestselling book (and Facebook group) Teenage Waistland. One of Abby's coolest claims to fame is her naming of Ben & Jerry's Karamel Sutra ice cream. And although she can admire the comically enormous pint-shaped, cardboard cutout of her flavor, pop-art colors and all... in her 30' by 32' studio apartment in the Village... she cannot smell chocolate!

And that is one smell I would wish for her to experience... among others... fresh brownies, Girl Scout Cookie shots, exotic chocolate body oil...Hershey, Pennsylvania...

Hmmm... maybe not having a sense of smell is a good thing.